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New Relationship Energy. From the outside looking in [Feb. 27th, 2008|05:57 pm]
Polycozy

polycozy

[hollowkatt]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]




To preface this I have to give some back story on mistressnicci and crash.
They have known each other for more than 15 years now and while the last 8 were spent apart that hasn't in anyway made things easier.
Mistressnicci and I met through a mutual friend at the end of my high school career. We were introduced to each other through a mutual friend, but before then Crash and Nicci were best friends. They spent most of high school together, but never single at the same time. Even though it never worked out for them, the day I met him I knew that there was something special between them.
The three of us became fast friends, doing almost everything together (other than that, you filthy pervs) even living together for a while.
The first years are starting to blur a little with the passage of time, but I was always aware that if things had been even slightly different I'd be the one who was hanging out with them, not him. He'd have dated her if it was ever an option and I know that she'd have him too.

A few years into our relationship I made some really bad decisions. I cheated on her several times. One of the last times that I did she turned to him for comfort and succor. They both got so much more than that. That was the first time they slept together. Shortly after that he made the decision to join the Navy. It's not my place to speculate so I don't.

Our daughter was born just a short while after he shipped out. That was the beginning of our relationships rebirth. We started seeing each other again and it wasn't easy with all the baggage that I had dumped onto her. A little while later we started experimenting with bringing others into our bed. Nothing too serious, just having fun and a good time. We both enjoyed this, but it was always another woman and I know that Nicci has expressed interest in having two men. :)
A few years ago we met someone different than the others that we had played with. She is funny, kind, witty and willing to put up with both of us long term. This was the start of Nicci and I being poly.
I was flush with NRE at the time because between Nicci and I I was the one that Cecily wanted to date. We started off heavy with time commitments to each other and I know that Nicci had a hard time with the amount of time that we were spending with Cecily both at her house and ours.
She accepted though that I wanted to date her because in the back of her head she was thinking that she'll get a chance with someone.
About 9 months ago she started to see that chance.
She and Crash started talking again, out of the blue.
It was nice to see her talking to him again. I know that she missed him terribly and that this was good for both of them. Again I'm not really at liberty to say much, other than he was in a place where he really needed that friendly voice from the past to make life easier.
They began talking more and more and I started teasing her that he was her "boyfriend". Till things started to get more serious.

Then the teasing stopped and the talking started. He was looking to move back to michigan and he asked her for help. While this was going on I had met and started talking to darkersunshine and we were forging a new relationship with each other. It was a wild ride, full of fun and good times, but also with some backsliding and "Happy Realizations".
The problem was that while I was starting this with Sunshine, Nicci was starting a relationship with Crash on a much deeper level than she ever had before. I was wrapped up in my own NRE to notice much really.
I think Nicci was too. To an extent anyways. We had our hard times, but we always worked through them.
Nicci explained polyamoury to Crash and started talking to him about how did he think he could handle being involved with someone who was married and that couldn't place him first?
At first he was having a hard time understanding how this even works and I don't blame him at all. I'm not even sure, really.
That said, the closer it came to him coming home, the more he was able to understand.
He had asked her if she wanted to come out and help and I didn't mind that at all.
I knew that this was the chance of a lifetime for both of them because second chances don't happen all that often.
They decided that she would fly out to California on a sunday afternoon and they would start the drive back to Michigan wednesday morning.
I wasn't thrilled that she'd be gone for a week with the man that I was now completely seriously referring to as her boyfriend, but I kept telling myself that with all the opportunities that she has given me, this is something that I have to do for her.

I didn't know how hard it was going to be. I know that Sunshine has chronicled some of it in her journal and that I'm going to start writing down my impressions of the week and maybe publishing some of my letters to kind of show how this can affect someone.
I'm glad that she went, but at the same time, it was one of, if not the hardest weeks of my life.
I'm just glad that Sunshine was there for me. She was my rock and I can't really repay her for that. :)

They drove from wednesday morning to saturday afternoon and while I had been talking to her all week I couldn't tell that there was anything like missing being at home and that her mindset was totally enraptured in the NRE they were sharing for the first time ever.
I was and still am happy for them, but it was hard to hear and feel that without being with them to share in that in some way.
They returned to a housewarming party that weekend. We were all out at Cecily's house having a fantastic time and I could feel the need between them, see it written on their faces and hear it in their tone of voice. The NRE was almost palpable between them and while it was wonderful for them, it was hard for me.

Nicci and I have been together for 13 years and to be able to see that energy pouring off of her towards someone else was something that I don't know if you can get used to. My perception of NRE is that it is something wonderful and exciting that can also be like a drug. You want to keep getting your fix while you can because in the back of your head, especially for those of us with Primary SO's we know that after a while you have to work to maintain that feeling you get at the beginning of a relationship.

I've watched her NRE for a while now, with the strong beginning starting about two weeks before she left and I've seen how it can dominate the rest of your life. It hasn't really been disruptive as far as daily life goes, but I have seen things that used to be important be laid aside for a time because that is time that you could be spending with the object of the NRE. It is almost like it is alive really. At times really I think it is. Its warm and inviting for those who are in it, or have been invited to share, but at other times it feels like a naturally occurring wall that separates those within from those without.
Being on the outside of something that powerful is interesting.
It is like a bubble of protection for those inside of it and the world really does not intrude much.
I know I've done my best not to poke theirs because of the history and the situation (Mostly because I have no right too! Just ask Nicci!!!) but that the few times that I have raised a concern or an issue that I think I have the NRE also acts as a filter making the issues and concerns from those around the participants sounds less important or pressing than they really are.
Its an interesting feeling to be told, quite sincerely, that what I'm feeling is important and valid and then to turn around 20 minutes later and see one of the issues that I was raising happening again. It's not a bad thing so much as it is an interesting effect of the NRE (for now anyways. I'm sure something like that though could easily evolve into a bad thing)

I've gone on long enough this time, but this is something that interests me and so I though I'd post to the group and see what other peoples reactions and experiences are.
I'm going to keep revisiting this topic from this perspective for a while to see if there are changes that can be spotted or made in dealing with feeling left out of the NRE loop.

Thank you all for listening and I hope you can take something valid from this :)
LinkReply

Comments:
From: amethest
2008-02-28 09:10 pm (UTC)
I think my experainces with the NRE phenomena are radically different, and I have been on both sides of it now.

I try not to use my own NRE as isolation, I very much want to share what I'm feeling with those I already love.

I remember very clearly that I was neglective the first time with Howitzer, but I came to my senses by two months in because neither of my partners liked each other, and Howitzer wasn't respecting a lot of my boundries and Robin was more important.

But I remember distinctly coming home after I met Dave, and wanting very much to share with Robin how I was feeling about Dave, and to show him how excited I was. I wanted him to celebrate with me. I came home and said I'd met someone and he likes curry and white wine and you're going to get on fine!

I think it's entirely possible, and a good idea to project your new good energy, back on your existing relationships.

Regardless if the new person is intended to become sexual with you at some point.

It seems you and Nicci are different in that you process things to yourself first. I don't, I process everything with Robin, and now with Dave.

And they process back with me.
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[User Picture]From: hollowkatt
2008-02-28 09:26 pm (UTC)
Thats the kind of approach that I'm really starting to think is not only better for me but better for those around me.
Thats something that I'm trying really hard to do now that Nicci is back home and we can talk and share daily, not just while she has a moment on the phone.
Thanks for sharing what NRE is like for you! :)
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